I’ve been in New York for almost three weeks now, and I still have no sense of direction. I have no friends, no job, no money, and no way to know where to start. I’m here for grad school, but that doesn’t start for another week. So far, I’ve spent my time sitting in my room and applying for jobs that I won’t hear back from for months only to get a generic email that says I’m not qualified, but that’s an issue for another post.
It’s strange to be in this purgatorial stage because I’ve never really experienced anything quite as lonely, quite as depressing, quite as degrading before. As a kid, I was a social butterfly, and even in college, my roommate helped to pull me out of my shell the second we met. Here, it seems like everyone has got everything already figured out. They have a salary, a routine, a group of people to confide in. The last time I had any of that was when I was back in Michigan. And, while being in New York is a step closer to the life I have always wanted for myself, I miss the sense of familiarity and control that I had in Michigan.
I call my parents everyday, not to tell them a new story, but to get glimpses of the life that I had left. I have them call me every time our dog starts acting cute or something dramatic happens in the small town I grew up in. I stalk my friends’ social media accounts in order to feel like we’re going to go out to our college bars later that night. I miss seeing these people, sharing laughs, going on side quests just to add to our lore. But, we’re all grown now, and my closest friend is still three hours away from me. It’s going to be alright, I know that. We’re all going to visit each other at some point and do annual reunions, but until we reach that point, I’m stuck here. I’m like a castaway, stranded on an island, waiting for someone to save me because I can barely keep my head above water.
I post pictures of the places that I pass on my walks to make it seem like I’m having a great time. However, the real reason I’m even walking is because I’m scared I’ll run out of money for the subway. It’s not cool to admit we’re struggling on the internet, but right now, I really am. We all do at some point, and this is that point in time for me. I miss home, my friends, my family, the food of the midwest, and the knowing that everything would be okay. I moved to New York because I wanted a life that was more than ‘okay.’ I want adventure, success, to explore new places and try new things. There’s no reward without risk, and right now, I’m feeling the weight of that risk.
My life’s still on track, but right now it’s taking a detour to avoid the construction. Until I get to the point where the roads are clear again, I’m going to do what I’ve always done, write about my life. If you’d like to join me while I navigate New York City and pull my way out of purgatory, then you can find me right here on allipens.com.
Written by Allison Penski
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